Survivor Guilt

So I know you’re probably having a blast in heaven… and I mean why would you want to come back down to this dumpster fire anyway?

But I still feel guilty

That I’m here and you’re not

I will stifle a laugh that’s too loud

I will give in to resentment when something nice happens to me

I get a little sad if I sing too loud

I push back tears in the club when the DJ is playing our favorite songs

The shots of patron should be warming our chests at the same time as we make our way to the dance floor

You should be riding this wave of dancers and bass with me

Camila Cabello says there’s no “Crying in the Club” anyway

It’s a beautiful day in Sunny Southern California at the Redondo Beach library and I’m siting by the large, back windows staring out, thinking of you. 

Why can’t you be here with me

Enjoying the view

I wanna take you to the Starbucks in PV that over looks the ocean 

I wanna take you to Torrance Beach so you can see dolphins swimming back and forth

Let’s go to El Porto 

Maybe dig for sand crabs

You’re not here 

But I am

So, I type

It alleviates my pain

Heaven’s gotta be 10 times better than Miami and the South Bay 

But you were 34 and I’m now 42. 

You’re supposed to be turning 45 this year. 

I’m now older than you. 

When I dream of you, you look 16 years old without a care in the world. 

Lucky you.

You’re going to avoid crows feet and old age. 

Decreased eyesight. 

Achy knees

and a throbbing lower back. 

Junebug, Granddaddy and Grandma passed away. 

I seriously cannot attend another funeral.

My braces are off now. 

Yours never came off. 

I wish you could see my new smile

I listen to “Breakdown” by Mariah Carey and Bones Thugs n Harmony on repeat

Cabello, Camila. “Crying in the Club.” Epic Records/Syco, 2017.

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